New Wine Scoring System!

Surprise announcement set to rock the wine world


In a surprise announcement scheduled for Monday, several major wine review journals will unveil a tweak to the established 100-point wine rating scale. With the ever-improving wines coming from almost every wine region, a group of the world’s finest reviewers have spent much of the last six months holed up in the cellar of the world famous Mandalay Bay Hotel in Las Vegas, Nev., planning the revolution that will shake up the wine world.

Spurred on by Robert Parker’s unheard of additions to several perfect wines last year, where 100-pointers denoted with asterisks (100-pointers that were better than previous 100-pointers) rocked the wine world and threw collectors for a loop as they rushed to replace their perfect – yet asterisks-free –100-point wines with the new and improved 100* wines.
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New Scoring System
“There’s just so much confusion in the marketplace today, someone really should do something about it,” an MW wine auction director was heard commenting. The best minds in wine agreed.

The early plans, a leaked copy of which was obtained by Snooth, proposed a simple addition of asterisks to denote ever-increasing quality – the asterisks being “the new black.” A 100*** wine obviously being better than a 100** wine and so on. The talks over the asterisks broke down when critics who have used asterisks in the past, generally without the 100-point prefix, entered the fray and complained that this new scale would devalue their asterisks-driven scale and cause even more confusion.

It was argued that the existing scale, used in conjunction with asterisks, would just cause additional discomfort in the marketplace.  The idea that a *100-point wine might be considered as simply an acceptable 100-point wine, and a ***100 point wine might only be deemed a ‘good’ 100-point wine frightened collectors and critics alike. “The point here is to make 100-point wine more attractive, not less attractive,” a panel member was overheard lamenting as he floated down Mandalay Bay’s Lazy River.

Later that day, over free drinks during Dierks Bentley’s Jagermeister Country Tour, several prominent British critics proposed extending the 100-point scale to 110 or even 120 points. Objections similar to those raised in reference to the asterisks program came up, and it was decided that with the current trends in the wine market and grade inflation, an extra 10 or 20 points may not prove up to the task.

The Italian contingent offered up a simple suggestion, adding between one and three red shrimps to the 100-point scores.  This just caused several groups to plan an assault on the buffet, while the Spaniards searched for garlic, then took a nap.

Discussions around the craps tables shortly thereafter indicated that the asterisks and a simple layering-on of points addition were dismissed; and when the buffet ran out of crab legs, this mighty group of critics and authors retreated to the penny slots room where confusion reigned. “How is this penny slots if I’m betting a dollar a pull?” was batted around the room several times as competing critics attempted to understand the arcane rules governing multi-line payouts and max bet prizes.

It was here, during a brief moment of victory, that the solution was discovered while 1000 pennies poured forth from a well-known Elvis Multi-Strike machine (“It’s by the entrance so you know it’s loose,” commented one English critic). While confirming that 1000 pennies were in fact paid out, it occurred to the famous American critic that therein laid the solution they had been looking for.

The solution is a revolutionary 1000-point scale! Now just like the 100-point scale is not a true 100-point scale – after all, wines can only be scored between 50 and 100, with the vast majority being awarded between 80 and 100 points – this 1000-point scale is actually only a one point scale, used only to differentiate between 100 point wines.

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  • April Fools!!!

    Apr 01, 2011 at 11:42 AM

  • Snooth User: JKevinP
    134355 2

    I'm thrilled that wine is getting better and better (must be, hence the need for more points). That being said, bring back PRONGS!

    Apr 01, 2011 at 11:49 AM

  • Snooth User: Philip James
    Founding Member Hand of Snooth Voice of Snooth
    1 12,573

    ‘The point here is to make 100-point wine more attractive, not less attractive,” a panel member was overheard lamenting as he floated down Mandalay Bay’s Lazy River.


    Apr 01, 2011 at 11:56 AM

  • Snooth User: ssigaud
    299760 23

    Happy April Fool's day to you too Gregory!!! ;-) This reminded me of April 1st, 1969 (if memory serves, which is questionable) when it was announced that as part of England's agreement to join the European Union everyone on the continent would have to switch to driving on the left side of the road...

    Apr 01, 2011 at 12:06 PM

  • Refreshing humor break from the sometimes overly serious wine world. Actually good point buried in the joke - If no wines ever are rated below 80, isn't it really a 20 point scale?

    In vino veritas - but not necessarily in ratings

    Apr 01, 2011 at 12:07 PM

  • Snooth User: Chris Carpita
    Hand of Snooth Voice of Snooth
    33093 5,545

    Penny slots are tricky bastards - always select 1-3x lines and 1x multiplier, so it's 1-3 cents per pull. Order drinks using the touchscreen. The value of the drinks will exceed gambling losses if your rate of play is slow enough.

    Apr 01, 2011 at 12:10 PM

  • Snooth User: JKevinP
    134355 2

    Lest my previous reference be lost on anyone -

    Apr 01, 2011 at 12:17 PM

  • Photo Caption for This, "A bottle of Cab. every day of you life will keep you looking young and healthy."

    Apr 01, 2011 at 12:31 PM

  • Snooth User: Gregory Dal Piaz
    Hand of Snooth Voice of Snooth
    89065 236,204

    I rate these responses four tarnish silver prongs. I'm familiar with the prong system, you might find me floating around in the compleat wine geek.

    Apr 01, 2011 at 12:33 PM

  • Snooth User: Eric Guido
    Hand of Snooth Voice of Snooth
    92549 198,229

    Now I have to go back and re-score all of my wines. I'm 85 points on that.

    Apr 01, 2011 at 1:32 PM

  • Snooth User: hugh27
    Hand of Snooth
    253137 65

    I am afraid that too many "ass-to risks" will downgrade the feminine show in lost Wages that obviously was part of the programme
    April wine to all

    Apr 01, 2011 at 3:22 PM

  • Just wait to see how the Winemakers react to this, esp the Old World! :-)

    Apr 01, 2011 at 4:26 PM

  • Snooth User: Chris Carpita
    Hand of Snooth Voice of Snooth
    33093 5,545

    I use a system of 1 to 12 prawns, and in warmer weather up to 18 or 24. The deep water horizon accident cut that in half for awhile. It's all in the chart.

    Apr 01, 2011 at 5:07 PM

  • As a famous winemaker once sais "I regret that I have but one asterisk for my wine." ~Marty Johnson

    Apr 01, 2011 at 5:20 PM

  • I think this is an April Fools Hoax - and if it isn't - it should be!

    Apr 01, 2011 at 5:47 PM

  • Not to say that the rating system doesn't suck air -it does. Points should NOT be given for cellaring potential. 95% of all wine sold is sold for immediate consumption. What matters is the rating of the wine right now. The asterisk could be appended to reflect the raters opinion of that - say one * for 1-5 yr ** for 5-10 yr and *** for more than 10*

    Apr 01, 2011 at 5:50 PM

  • Snooth User: VegasOenophile
    Hand of Snooth
    202759 12,202

    This all happened in my city and I was unaware and uninvited?! For shame.

    Apr 01, 2011 at 6:02 PM

  • Not a scientist anywhere in sight. Too bad. 4/1

    Apr 01, 2011 at 8:06 PM

  • If this is not an April Fools Day hoax, this event reads like an Uncle Sam write-off for critics to access some of the world's finest wines. Come on... "100 points rating"... can you really elaborate more than that? Let the lesson of "measuring truely great poetry", as explored in the movie "Dead Poet's Society", prevail.

    Apr 02, 2011 at 9:25 AM

  • Adorable photo of little Greg!

    Apr 02, 2011 at 2:16 PM

  • Snooth User: Nancy Yos
    260667 3

    I loathe April Fool's day.

    Apr 03, 2011 at 11:34 AM

  • Snooth User: Santiago53
    111056 10

    Zut alors!

    Greg, we have noticed you "conveniently" forgot to mention the French proposal for adopting a 7 croissant scale. Ees zees part of an anti-French conspiracy or is it just that your pro-Italian bias showing?

    Why ees eet ze French are being descreemeenated against in this important report? Mr Greg, it is time to confesse.

    Yes, we say to you Fesse up! People want ze truth!

    Apr 03, 2011 at 5:24 PM

  • Snooth User: Santiago53
    111056 10

    Shrimp scoring system? Preposterous! Clearly biased toward makers of white wine!

    Why not multiple steaks? A rare suggestion we would say.

    Apr 03, 2011 at 5:28 PM

  • Snooth User: Slipstream
    Hand of Snooth
    172281 735

    This reminds me of that famous moment in the movie "Spinal Tap" in which the guitarist (was it Nigel Tufnel?) said he preferred amplifiers in which he could turn the volume past 10 (usually the loudest) to 11 (or something like that). He becomes very puzzled when someone points out to him that they could make the knobs and numbers say pretty much anything.

    Apr 28, 2011 at 12:20 PM

  • What can you tell me about Earthquake Zin.

    May 07, 2011 at 11:08 AM

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