Drinkers Say the Darndest Things

30 more bons mots to drop at parties


Last month, we gave you 20 bons mots celebrating drinking for you to drop at holiday parties. With New Year's Eve upon us -- the biggest, last party of the year -- now is the perfect time to add some more to your repertoire.

So, we're arming you with 30 more witticisms to wow a crowd and save you from those awkward silences. Try these as alternatives to cheesy, worn-out pick-up lines and turn stilted small talk into playful banter. Break out the bons mots with the bubbly and make that midnight moment a memorable one. And if none of these have the desired effect, you can at least toast to another year of good drinking!       

Before that famous one in Times Square drops, let's get the ball rolling with some of your favorites.
"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."
 -- Dorothy Parker
Submitted by: wpugin

"The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful, and a snootful at the same time?" -- Gerald Ford
Submitted by: nhwineknow

"When we drink, we get drunk;
When we get drunk, we fall asleep;
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin;
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven;
So let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
 -- Old Irish Toast
Submitted by: michael54

"Here's to good friends, who know you well, and like you anyway!"
Submitted by: lamumba

“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.” -- P. J. O'Rourke

"Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector.  It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully."  -- Graham Greene

“It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the wine, or any other reason.” -- Latin proverb

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” -- Winston Churchill

“I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” -- Joe E. Lewis

“The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.” -- William Butler Yeats

“When you stop drinking, you have to deal with this marvelous personality that started you drinking in the first place.” -- Jimmy Breslin

“Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.” -- Mark Twain

"I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." -- W. C. Fields

"I only take a drink on two occasions: when I'm thirsty and when I'm not."    -- Brendan Behan

"The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity." -- Author unknown

"I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop." -- Noel Coward

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." -- W.C. Fields

"First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

“If four or five guys tell you that you're drunk, even though you know you haven't had a thing to drink, the least you can do is to lie down a little while”. -- Joseph Schenck

"No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness - or so good as drink." -- Lord Chesterton

"I drink only to make my friends seem interesting." -- Don Marquis

"Everyone who drinks is not a poet.  Some of us drink because we're not poets." -- From the movie "Arthur"

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." -- Ernest Hemingway

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" -- Henny Youngman

"And God said, 'Let there be vodka !'
And He saw that it was good.
Then God said, 'Let there be light !'
And then He said, 'Whoa — too much light'." -- Author unknown

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes." -- Author unknown

"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!" -- Congressman Full Warren speaking about whiskey

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."-- Robert Benchley

“Drink today, and drown all sorrow; You shall perhaps not do it tomorrow; Best, while you have it, use your breath; There is no drinking after death.” -- Ben Jonson  

"A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink." -- W. C. Fields

Mentioned in this article


  • Snooth User: wpugin
    103569 2

    If I may, I'd like to suggest 3 more from Fields:

    1. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

    2. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

    3. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

    Dec 30, 2010 at 10:52 PM

  • "Henry" Youngman?!?! Henny! Henny Youngman!

    Dec 31, 2010 at 2:21 AM

  • Snooth User: tigermoth1
    579349 20

    By "on the wagon," Tallulah Bankhead meant you weren't to make her a drink; but that didn't stop her from taking a good gulp from yours, his, hers, anyone's. It was also apparently OK for her to imbibe some witch's brew concocted of Coca Cola and spirits of ammonia. For an additional high, she popped and sniffed some odd capsules that her sister Eugenia insisted were used to revive horses that slipped and fell on the winter ice. Tallulah always said of her sister, "She the witty one. I'm the pretty one." (One night, during this Adlai Stevenson no-drink-for-Tallulah period, our heroine was, as usual, loudly defending the Democratic party, to which her Speaker of the House father and Senator uncle belonged, against the staunch Republicanism of her friend, theatrical agent Edie van Cleve. At one point, to support the logic of her position, Tallulah delivered Edie a huge kick in the ass. Sister Eugenia, next to me on the couch, stopped the passing butler. "Sylvester," she said, "will you please find out what it is that Miss Bankhead isn't drinking and bring me one of those.")

    Dec 31, 2010 at 4:47 AM

  • Here's a simple rule of drinking .... I only drink on days that end with Y!!!!

    Dec 31, 2010 at 8:03 AM

  • Snooth User: Stevei
    642488 4

    These are very funny. Thanks for posting them.

    Dec 31, 2010 at 8:13 AM

  • Snooth User: Catherine Gin
    Hand of Snooth
    592568 297

    Thanks for more great quotes and stories, everyone!

    Paracelsus, thanks, I've changed that now. He was born "Henry" but became "Henny."

    Dec 31, 2010 at 12:15 PM

  • Snooth User: Erixis
    177843 4

    You can't drink all day, if you don't start early!....Me

    Dec 31, 2010 at 12:49 PM

  • Snooth User: melbec2
    106862 1

    "I drank to drown my sorrows, but the damned things learned to swim" - frida kahlo

    Dec 31, 2010 at 2:15 PM

  • Snooth User: amateriat
    618056 9

    From various sources:

    "I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy." - Unknown

    "I don't have a drinking problem: I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No Problem!" - message on t-shirt, origin unknown

    "I'm not an alcoholic. I'M A DRUNK. Alcoholics go to meetings." - message on t-shirt, origin unknown.

    Love the ones I've read here so far!

    Dec 31, 2010 at 2:36 PM

  • Ah! You pulled a fast one on me, Catherine. LOL I should have stopped to think that Henry might be his "real" first name. Doh! Good trivia question.

    No idea to whom to attribute this quip, but one of my favorites is...

    "I never drink before noon. But, it's always noon... somewhere."

    Dec 31, 2010 at 5:41 PM

  • "You should slip out of those wet clothes....and into a dry martini..." paraphrased...

    Mae West

    Jan 01, 2011 at 7:27 AM

  • Snooth User: causasui
    149022 5

    Once in the wilds of afganistan i lost my corkscrew
    i was forced to live on food and water for days

    w c fields

    Jan 01, 2011 at 12:32 PM

  • " I only drink if I'm with somebody or alone"

    Jan 02, 2011 at 2:18 AM

  • The only demands alcohol ever needs from a drinker is moderation. That course generally results in pleasure, respect, maturity and sex! glenn of Palm Springs CA

    Jan 02, 2011 at 12:13 PM

  • Snooth User: jb714
    157395 27

    Yes, Henny! I take it your to young to know him.

    Jan 02, 2011 at 5:49 PM

  • Snooth User: Sheila65
    313426 15

    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

    Jan 19, 2011 at 6:49 PM

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