Badass Wines

If you think you're a badass, these wines are for you


So you think you’re a badass? Then you better be prepared to drink some badass wine. In fact, there’s almost a hierarchy of badassery involved as we progress down this list, so be prepared.

They say you are what you eat. In this case you are what you drink as well, but in a slightly different way. Check out how you rank on the badass scale and see how far you’re willing to go in pursuit of official badass status. But remember, being a badass isn’t always delicious, especially when it comes to wine.

Photo courtesy of Chistines Beadwork via Flickr/cc

Bad Influence

 

You’re just starting down the path to being a badass and nothing can help your cred better than your first Menage a Trois. Of course their Moscato is delicious, but it’s not the most intimidating of their wines. 

If you really want to commit here, you need to go for the red - three varieties all swimming together, ripe and unadorned. It’s the real deal and will help get you on your way. With money to spare.

 

Photo courtesy of rbieber via Flickr/cc

Badass Poser

 

Drinking the blackest wine, so black that you can barely see it, so black that it’s like pouring out the contents of a black hole in your glass, has to be pretty badass. And in truth it is, but there should be something painful about true badass wines. The only thing painful about Shafer Relentless, a blend of Syrah and Petit Sirah, is the price. 

This is a massive wine, fully decked out in black badass battle regalia, but it’s also $60 and most badasses aren’t carrying that kind of cash around for a bottle of wine. Still, the name is pretty badass, so we’ll give this one half credit.

 

Photo courtesy of Tony Takitani via Flickr/cc

Aspiring Badass

 

If you’re still panning on moving up the ladder here, kickin’ it with a bottle or two of Biker wines sounds like a good strategy. No we don’t mean that kind of bike, so take your fixie and head back over the bridge. I’ll write about hipster wines soon but this Zin is definitely not for you.

Four Vines Biker Zinfandel from Paso Robles is big and black with a splash of Mourvedre adding a bit of animal spice to all the rich fruit. It’s a perfect wine for the aspiring badass, though we do have slight concern about that tramp stamp down there!

 

Photo courtesy of core8284 via Flickr/cc

Badass

 

Congratulations, you graduated to full badass status the first time you drank some Bull’s Blood. Egri Bikaver is Hungarian for Bull’s Blood and one very famous wine. Of course it’s just grape juice, but you get double bonus points for drinking Egri Bikaver.

First the name is very, very bad and then there is the wine. Let’s just say that while the quality of Egri Bikaver has increased over the years, it’s still possible to find some that might make your blood boil. This will no doubt reveal your inner badass!

 

Photo courtesy of @joefoodie via Flickr/cc

Frightening Badass

 

Now that you’re a full-fledged badass, you might want to add to your persona by accessorizing properly. There’s no better badass accessory than the Segura Viudas Brut Reserva Heredad bottle. That’s the Cava bottle with the medieval battle ax welded to the bottom. 

The wine is pretty good I might add, but what really sets you apart with this wine is the glint of steel flashing off the bottle when you’re swigging it wildly at your badass parties. 

 

Photo courtesy of tiny banquet committee via Flickr/cc

Super Badass

 

If you want to move to the top of the badass heap, there are few shortcuts. Drinking awful wine made from rice that has been infused with the exotic flavors and perfumes of snake and scorpions is one of the few options open to you.

But seriously, picture yourself drinking this stuff, how badass is that? And then you’re actually swallowing it? I mean, who is going to mess with you? Nobody. Because you’re gonna be the only super badass on the block who’s downed some of this stuff.

 

Photo courtesy of davehighbury via Flickr/cc

Just an Ass

Even badassery has its limits, and the imaginary yellow line stops just short of Dictator wines. You can take your pick, Mussolini, Stalin, Hitler, they’re all well represented in the wine world, but bringing one of these wines strips you of your badass rank.

You’ll just be another sad sack falling for some marketing gimmick used to peddle bad wine. You won’t be a badass anymore, just a schlub serving bad wines to your former friends. Take my advice, quickly ditch the Dictator and break out another Ménage a Trois. 

I mean, seriously, is there any argument against this?

 

Photo courtesy of Lee Coursey via Flickr/cc

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Comments

  • Snooth User: Kyle Graynor
    Hand of Snooth Voice of Snooth
    455797 7,444

    I want snake and scorpion wine . . .

    May 16, 2012 at 12:42 PM


  • I tend to agree with the "Just An Ass" wines, except that Che wasn't a dictator.

    May 16, 2012 at 4:56 PM


  • Snooth User: Jx
    188146 2

    Lame.

    May 16, 2012 at 4:58 PM


  • Snooth User: DM94523
    77883 104

    What about Robert Biale's "Royal Punishers?"

    May 16, 2012 at 5:22 PM


  • Snooth User: elysiacb
    628381 36

    Tiny note: Bikavér means Bull's Blood...Egri Bikavér is Bull's Blood of Eger. :-)

    May 16, 2012 at 5:45 PM


  • Snooth User: bbqwineco
    1099595 12

    what about these guys?
    http://www.dedreckoning.com

    May 16, 2012 at 6:06 PM


  • Snooth User: landoperez
    984963 26

    All of these come with a free headache?

    May 16, 2012 at 6:36 PM


  • Snake and Scorpion rice wine! Don't drink too much of it even though you're a badass! Taste awful!

    May 16, 2012 at 7:57 PM


  • Hey Fellows, In the late sixties, college time, I use to take one of my girlsfriends out to a small water hole on the golf course, when the moon was full, with a bottle or two of Saumur Champagne and Practice my French. Now that was Bad Ass with Bad Ass wine according to the rumors in school.

    May 17, 2012 at 10:28 AM


  • Lest we forget,MD 20/20,Spanish Sangria,And Boone's Farm should be included,although they are "Wine" in name only.

    May 17, 2012 at 7:08 PM


  • Snooth User: Huaino
    811541 105

    Bad Ass??... My favorite red...100% Tannat. Hard to find in the U.S., from Uruguay (for example, 6to Sentido - 6th Sense) and also some quality examples offered from neighboring Argentina (Finca Las Moras). Luckly, I have access to it through wine stores in next door Mexico (SD-TJ area). Simply the darkest ink well expression of the fruit in a glass ever and head & shoulders above CabSav. Although the varietal name Tannat refers to its tannins, in mexican spanish, the word is very similar to "tanates", which is the equivalent of "cojones". How bad ass is that? Try it, you'll like it. Plus, it is the best wine to drink for "healthful" reasons.

    May 22, 2012 at 12:50 PM


  • Snooth User: messygonzo
    1327679 35

    what about these guys?

    Aug 02, 2013 at 6:04 AM


  • wonderful

    Sep 09, 2013 at 3:14 PM


  • Snooth User: jamchimps
    1385295 43

    Great...!!

    Oct 28, 2013 at 2:49 AM


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